News Digest from the Fake-Crisis Management Center, no. 2013/11F

Asteroid heading for Earth?

No. Why do you ask?

Call Bruce Willis

No, you call him. Dudes from Jersey creep me out.

London - A fleet of kamikaze spacecraft could be used to defend Earth against asteroid strikes The robotic vessels would change the direction of any threatening space rock to prevent it from crashing into the planet.

Or not.

Under the plans, member nations will share information in an International Asteroid Warning Group, allowing space agencies to pool their brainpower to come up with the best way of deflecting any incoming objects.

I guess the intrepid "journalist" (let's call him Tin Tin for now) doesn't get that the PLANE wasn't the Kamikaze, the pilot was, and that he is more than welcome to participate in the "beta test", being part of that pool of exemplary "brainpower."

Somre Kids Were Scared of Clowns

Not me. This is what used to get me:

Because a Two State Solution was No-Where in Sight

Entomologist shares idea to solve bee crisis

Dr. Spivak’s approach relies on nature’s law of the survival of the fittest (natural selection), and some encouragement from humans (artificial selection).

A glimmer of hope! Someone has the good sense to do nothing. We need to find a big word for this.

Some Things Will Never Change

Mum says the mullet must go However, intelligence indicates that she has been saying this since 1982, without any sign of success.

Please issue an APB for this "Humour" Thing

Because they need some of it airdropped as soon as possible. Javier's hair humour:

The 44-year-old star also finds hair plays a big role in getting to know someone.

Apocalypse When?

Apocalypse called for by 2065 moved to 2031, then to 2032: Russian scientists discover dangerous asteroid

Asteroid 2013 UG1 was discovered by Russian astronomers using MASTER ... asteroid that is headed on a dangerous trajectory towards the Earth in 2032.

400-metre asteroid sighted may 'blow up the earth' in 2032:

A LARGE asteroid has been discovered zipping past Earth that astronomers say is dangerous and will return ... ASTEROID HEADING TOWARDS NEW YORK?

Hang on to your fedora. Start hoarding Lucky Strikes. 2031 will come to decimate Gotham in 2032.

Among the Mandarins, the Words for [Fake] Crisis and Opportunity Mean the Same Thing

Astronomers in Siberia Locate an Asteroid Headed for Earth in 2065:

Recently scientists in the Crimea discovered another potentially hazardous 410-metre asteroid that is headed on a dangerous trajectory towards the Earth

United Nations agrees to establish Asteroid Warning Group

Retro Spooks

Heard today was an old-timey relic of the distant ago, a number station.  It was heard as clearly as Radio Habana Cuba was on the same frequency a few hours earlier.  Yup, I turned on the radio, and it was just there.