Monty Python: the Misanthropic Introspection Years

Hans Richter-ghosts for breakfast (1927)

Among the Mandarins, the Words for [Fake] Crisis and Opportunity Mean the Same Thing

Astronomers in Siberia Locate an Asteroid Headed for Earth in 2065:

Recently scientists in the Crimea discovered another potentially hazardous 410-metre asteroid that is headed on a dangerous trajectory towards the Earth

United Nations agrees to establish Asteroid Warning Group

It's a Polite Way of Saying "Hello, I'm Tedious and Vapid"

Berlin, a city where being individualistic always seems to mean sheepishly following one dingbat style cult or another, is holding a "hipster festival. Gack. Most of them think the former east is charming. In other words: hide the children and the livestock.

The Usual Monomania Temporarily Suspended

"Something Entertaining Accidentally Happened On German TV Last Night"

Really?

News Digest from the Fake-Crisis Management Center, no. 2012\04A: An Urgent Report

Noting the nuttiness of people's fears, the extent to which they are convinced that the world, as usual, is just about to end, I have been noting the nature of those who seem to love the sort of hysteria surrounding the prospect of an asteroid doing us all in.

It's a metaphor, you dopes. A metaphor for whatever fashionable piffle children are being taught to wet their beds over - by which I mean the idea that man can alter the world's temperature through self-flaggelation and feelings of sever contrition, and that a giant human-caused-weather-related wave is coming to wipe us out. Even the landlocked.

I thought I was beavering away in lonely isolation. Now, even storied philosophical figure and popular writer Pascal Bruckner is starting to get worried about our worries (and distracting preoccupations with something that only matters to a haldful of detached activists).

Around the turn of the twenty-first century, a paradigm shift in our thinking took place: we decided that the era of revolutions was over and that the era of catastrophes had begun. The former had involved expectation, the hope that the human race would proceed toward some goal. But once the end of history was announced, the Communist enemy vanquished, and, more recently, the War on Terror all but won, the idea of progress lay moribund. What replaced the world’s human future was the future of the world as a material entity. The long list of emblematic victims—Jews, blacks, slaves, proletarians, colonized peoples—was likewise replaced, little by little, with the Planet, the new paragon of all misery. No longer were we summoned to participate in a particular community; rather, we were invited to identify ourselves with the spatial vessel that carried us, groaning.

And so forth, undsoweiter: the fear of wrong simply becomes fear, and redemption, well - if you don't beileve in anything, you won't find any of that either.

The Christian apocalypse saw itself as a hopeful revelation of the coming of God’s kingdom. Today’s has nothing to offer. There is no promise of redemption; the only hope is that those human beings who repent of their errors may escape the chaos, as in Cormac McCarthy’s fine novel The Road. How can we be surprised, then, that so many bright minds have become delirious and that so many strange predictions flourish?

As far as I'm concerned, if you're preoccupied by human extinction, and have a "love-hate" relationship with the idea, make a good example of yourself and go first. After all, if the life of all of us is a cheap tool to make yourself heard, then your life is unserious and cheap to begin with.

The HuffPo Reader's Idea of "Street Cred"

One can only wonder where they think that street is - or rather at least what part of Northeast Philadelphia they think it is.

'Part-Time Hair Piece, Full-Time Lady-Getter'

You go, "Lady-Getter" ( ...? ! ?... )

Clearly, it has worked: After selling out of their stock of 2000, the couple just placed an order for 10000 additional mullets. So let's get to the most important question: Are the mullets synthetic or real human hair?

Important, indeed. Almost as important as parading you're wife's silly ironic name.

My wife Morgan went to high school with a friend that originally had this idea. He had the stuff sent over from China and had a prototype made, but let it go. We were in Cabo in 2010 and a group of tourists walked by with real mullets, and we both agreed that we should talk to our friend about getting the business off the ground.

Their choice in vacation locales says the rest.

I Know they CAN, buy MAY they?

Video: Killer Asteroids Can Be Deflected With Nuclear Warheads, New Study Says

It is common knowledge that using a nuclear device on a killer asteroid on a collision course with the Earth would only produce perhaps thousands of smaller projectiles headed toward Earth -- making a bad situation possibly worse. And yet, a new study indicates that using a nuclear device might work after all.

It's hard to know exactly what to get panicked about some days.

Now if they'll only have a few Children to Corrupt this way Mentally...

Passivity and sheepishness... It even extends to finding new and horrible ways to neglect their childrens' well being in "innovative and modern" ways:

German sex experts (and there’s a whole bunch of those, let me tell you) think that parents’ porn fears are exaggerated and that online pornography is actually a wonderful and thoroughly wholesome way to change the way young people learn about sex.

Here's an idea: stop experimenting with on your children, and they won't turn into serial killers.

The Accidental Mullet

Esquire: My Magnificent New Hair

He explained that no one should just grow out his hair. You'll grow a mullet, or an Afro, or something you probably weren't looking to grow...

Ugh.

Wistol Pipped by the Mulletted Masher

Police in KY are Searching For Three Men

He is described as a white male in his late 20s-early 30s, with brown hair with a mullet cut, about 6'0" and with cross tattoo under his right eye and a teardrop tattoo under his left eye.

Hide the livestock. I think it's the mulleted men who've got the KY.

Sport's worst haircuts: a tribute

From Ireland's The Score, we find the part of the economy that will not be taking a haircut:

It was a mullet for a while, but scrum half Boss's hair only really came into its own when it was evolved into a mullet/dreadlocks hybrid. His status as one of Eddie O'Sullivan's 'impact subs' probably rested on the nauseating effects of this epic 'do.

Raus mit the Mullet

Ex-Spur Schintzius thinks his mullet got him traded

Former Spurs center Dwayne Schnitzius claims his mullet hairstyle helped facilitate his trade from the Spurs to Sacramento.

An anti-joyousness discrimination claim should really be in the works...

Dwayne Schintzius got traded because of his awesome hair

Like... awesome.

... maybe a person should be able to wear his hair however he pleases, especially when it's as majestic as Schintzius' mullet. Would you have asked Oscar Gamble to cut his afro? Only if you were anti-fun.

Maybe?

New York Stories

The city of lost souls has a million tales to tell...

A man with fine, thin hair trying to affect a rock 'n' roll look was dubbed a "coconut wearing a toupée." A red-eyed pothead who forgot to shampoo became a "vulture with a mullet." I came for the haircut. I stayed for the weird Q-tip imagery.

Smell ya Later!

An excellent data source is found for twhat I'd like to call “the dead hippy index”.

"German society is changing and it's not easy to be a naturist anymore," said Kurt Fischer, president of the German FKK association (DFK). There are some 500,000 registered nudists and a total of seven million Germans sunbathe naked regularly.

"But the numbers are unfortunately falling by about two percent each year," Fischer told a group of reporters in the Foreign Press Association (VAP) while sitting, fully clothed, at a beach bar in Berlin's government quarter. "Times are tough."

The main problem is the shrinking population, Fischer said.

Aside from a still fetid river cum canal, Berlin’s government district (as if that didn’t describe their whole society), is far enough away from a tropical beach (Club Med Libya, perchance?) to make this look about as silly as most impromptu press events in Germany.

I’m Here, I’m Sober. What More do You Want?

The postmodern work ethic, explained.

Mullets on the Run

Mullet Bandit 'tucks up hairdo', robs bank and evades US authorities again

A serial bank robber known as the 'mullet bandit' has continued to evade US federal authorities in Ohio after fooling them into thinking he had changed his appearance. Sporting a Kevin Keegan-esque hair style, the bank robber pulled off two prior raids...

Save the Headbangers

Leading scienticians say that anti-mullet sentiments have risen a staggering 437% in the past 5 years alone.

Yea, verily, the mop top of old must be rated.

What is it anyways? To say that the mullet is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life, it is a state of mind, it is every person who wears it. Physically it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back, reaching at least to the middle of the spine. Typical accessories to the mullet include moustaches, scraggly beards and/or goatees, and sunglasses. Research on the mullet phenomena, at this stage, is still in its infancy. However it is suggested by many top laboratories that the mullet, as it slowly reaches maturity, begins to grow tentacles into the brain of the victim.

The Bitter Flower of Youth

It doesn't take much looking to dispose of any regrets one has about one's age.

News Digest from the Fake-Crisis Management Center, no. 2011\2-D

Quick! Hide the livestock!

Apophis Asteroid Heading Toward Earth - 2011 CA7 Asteroid Passes Today!

While the Apophis asteroid has little chance of hitting Earth in 2036, there is a car sized asteroid nearing Earth today! Is it going to hit

News Digest from the Fake-Crisis Management Center, no. 2011\2-B

CTIA Insists There Is No Spectrum Conspiracy
BroadbandReports.com

What people are debating is whether or not there's a spectrum "crisis," or if the nation's biggest companies are squatting on a precious public resource.

Of course you KNEW that the conspiracy would say that!